I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
