I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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