Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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