i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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