i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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