who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
