3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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