what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
