So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
