You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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