he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
