spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
