last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
