I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
