My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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