all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
