I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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