no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
