watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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