he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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