He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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