oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
