it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
