woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
