Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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