So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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