Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Bring me that man meat
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
