Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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