and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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