the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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