where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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