He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
