You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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