What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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