I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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