the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
