i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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