I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
