Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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