Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
