Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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