I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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