Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
