dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
