just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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