i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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