I wish I only lived at night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
