That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
