I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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