Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
